The TROLL, like a bad little dog left alone
Keeps yipping and yapping and carrying on...
It craves some attention; it needs us. How sad.
It's howling; it's wetting the floor – Bad Dog! Bad!
It runs through its puddles; its own yowling sound
Is all it can hear as it's tearing around.

In late January 2007 ARBR's TROLL, after having been fairly effectively ignored for a week or so, launched a series of irrational rants one night, presumably proving the potency of this poofy promise:

      > If Wayne is not careful, I may sic [another of the
      > schizo TROLL's imaginary id-iots] on him...

Wayne may be considered properly sickened by 'The Master of Sic'. It even occurred to me that the TROLL should consider adding yet another pompously archaic title to its menagerie of mythical personae: 'Saint Edward - Opposer of Luste', which is, of course, an anagram for 'foulest poop-stained drawers'. Sheer coincidence or some kind of eerie karmic truth? Amusingly enough, this latest of the TROLL's rabid rantfests included a four-part tirade, with the first two titled:

      The Delemma [sic] of Wayne Leggett
      The Delimma [sic-ker?] of Wayne Leggett: Part II

Forgetting to spell-check its titles? Not cool...
A flagrant faux pas from a foul-mouthed old fool.
The TROLL tried three times till it got the word right:
DILEMMA... its screwups archived in plain sight.
Eight posts in one day, to convince us of... what?
Oh, yeah, its "high intellect". Frankly, I'm not...

Finally, as its favored fruit-forward jug wine got the upper hand, it ended this episode with yet another new thread entitled with this unlikely pseudofactoid:

      [The TROLL] is the Caretaker of ARBR!

Sighh-hh-hh... is there no limit to this goober's pathetic eagerness to publicly humiliate itself?

The TROLL – it who would (if it could) be da King –
Is still having trouble with one little thing:
How can it convince us it's GOOD and it's SMART,
But still be a cranky and bitchy old fart?
It wants to be caretaker now – ain't that sweet?
But does it regard us as pets or as meat?

      > I do not give a good god damn [sic] whether this
      > group survives or not... If [Wayne] continues to
      > piss me off on this score, I will make him pay...
      > the group will have to suffer along with him...
      > You will never hear the end of it. I will bore you
      > out of your gourds [PLEASE NOTE: Even TROLLS tell
      > the truth occasionally] ... I know what is best for
      > this group... I treat others the way I would want to be
      > treated... There are trolls and then there are trolls.

A TROLL is a TROLL is a TROLL! This one's mean,
Short-tempered and stupid; its wits are not keen.
It claims that respect is its due and its right,
But browbeats and threatens us night after night.
More threats from the TROLL, folks – oh, what a surprise!
Remember this post from the Lord of the Flies?:

      > ARBR is now quite dead for all practical purposes.
      > There is one way to revive it but... [it] would most
      > likely be about me.

Is 'Been there and done that - NO THANKS!' what you thought?
I guess failing brains simply cannot be taught.
If it had a memory, it might recall
That we would much rather be free of its pall.
The addlebrained hypocrite puts on its mask,
And smirks, quite facetiously daring to ask:

      > Would you rather have a quiet ARBR with not much
      > posting or do you want lots of hellfire?

That question was only a snide, sneering taunt;
The TROLL knows EXACTLY what most cyclists want:
A serious newsgroup that's all about bikes,
Without one old windbag that nobody likes.
Its question's a typical, really bad joke,
Not humor... just one more attempt to provoke.

      > If we all practiced what [Wayne (and a few dozen other
      > folks over the last three years)] preached, we would
      > end up doing nothing but talking to ourselves. How
      > long do you think the group would last if that is all
      > we did. [sic]

Uhh-hh-hh... twenty years maybe? Let's give it a shot.
I'm sure we'd do better without one old sot
Haranguing, harrassing and being a jerk;
If it would just leave, I believe this might work – 
That ARBR could blossom and prosper and grow...
Why doesn't this TROLL simply pack up and go?

It's bitched, whined and moaned about ARBR for years.
At first it was liberals – up to its ears –
Then racers, then fools who ride tadpoles at speed...
With nobody here so damned stupid they'd heed
Advice from a butthead whose concept of 'new'
Means something designed in 1982.

It hated Tom Sherman, but then twice a week
It whined that a future without Tom is bleak.
It moans when folks leave, as it drives them away,
Then blames a 'bad' SPAMMER, who possibly may
Be trying to show this damned TROLL how it feels
To have to endure such relentless foul spiels.

The TROLL blames that person for wrecking the group,
But posts forty times as much ill-tempered poop
As did our anonymous SPAMMER last year –
Whose titles are LONG and who shouldn't be here,
But still, he's less trouble than 'it I won't name',
No matter how fervent the TROLL's counter-claim!

The TROLL has a vision for ARBR that's gray,
Where hundreds of cyclists will, day after day,
Peruse its offensive, repetitive tripe,
But no one will notice the asshole can't type,
Can't spell, won't be honest, won't listen, can't read,
Can't ride straight on tadpoles and won't dare to speed.

It dreams of a forum where nobody dreads
Its TROLLish intrusions to on-topic threads.
Foul language, preposterous prejudice? Fine.
Where no one will notice it's blotto on wine,
And they'll never look at its asinine posts
That lurk in the archives like grim, restless ghosts.

It longs for more posters a TROLL can cheap shot,
Not those who point out that the old grouch is not
Intelligent, literate, popular, nice,
Respected or even as welcome as mice.
Its fatuous fantasies also include
Folks blithely accepting that TROLLS should be rude.

That's NOT gonna happen, I'm sure you all know.
This newsgroup will keep getting smaller, not grow,
As long as this butt-headed, potty-mouthed TROLL
Keeps on running rampant. A cyclist may stroll
To ARBR with questions, may offer advice,
May share some experience, once... but not twice!

The future's beginning, and we have a chance
To make ARBR pleasant, with far fewer rants,
Off-topic, offensive, repetitive, too.
It may only take one small change; it that's true,
Then change means improvement, and no one will grieve.
Ignore this damned TROLL, and the bastard may leave.

POW Index

Last updated Jan 28 2007