Originally Written in Sympathy
for All the Fine Folks Who Visit the
alt.rec.bicycles.recumbent Newsgroup*

(* ARBR pronounced 'arbor')

There's a TROLL on this newsgroup we'll call Edgar Colon.
He's a butthole, an ogre whose ego is swollen!
All too often the TROLL will reply to a posting,
With his odd little hodge-podge of errors and boasting.

If Ed thinks it's a game, all this sniping and fighting,
If his tongue's in his cheek, then I vote for him biting –
Just a clean sudden CHOMP! that would leave his voice muted,
And the air there at ARBR a bit less polluted.
[Well... the metaphor gets just a tad convoluted,
Since at times when he speaks, it seems more like he's pooted,
With a sound like the noise of a misfiring Harley,
And a redolent odor like mildewing barley.

Does he mean for his digs to be deeply disturbing?
Maybe Ed gets aroused when he thinks he's perturbing
All the folks on this group... who wish Ed would get smarter.
[It's no fun to be sharing a room with a farter!]
Mister Ed was a fictitious horse who was vocal,
And his fame, I recall, was more worldwide than local;
But the Ed haunting ARBR's not nearly so famous,
And if we don't promote him, there's no one who'd blame us.]

The original spoke (with an equine distortion),
But with our TROLLish Ed, the posterior portion
Is the end making noises, with flatulent flutter.
Though we strive to ignore him, one fatuous sputter
Seems to follow another, resounding and reeking,
As he passes more gas as his way of critiquing
Other members who've posted a pertinent letter,
Which may not be great lit... but at least they smell better.

His obnoxious, incessant, rude rants are – well – boring.
They're offensive and crude – with him blithely ignoring
Fifth grade standards for structure and adequate spelling.
No one's buying the crap this curmudgeon is selling.
Does he know when he boasts of his (marginal) grammar
Folks are itching to pound on his head with a hammer?
[But his head is so hard that might not be effective
As a means to the end of his tiresome invective.

Old Ed's head's like a gourd and his skin's like a rhino,
And his social skill's that of a well wasted wino.
Near-unanimous vote, not a minimal quorum,
Is for him to shape up or stay off of this forum.
How can someone who knows that he's pitied and hated
By a group – all but two? – still be so motivated
To persist in perpetual peevish haranguing?
Can we stop him – with anything short of a hanging?

Is Ed lonely, bedridden or oddly autistic?
Can his online persona be more atavistic
Than the guy comes across as an actual human?
[That's assuming of course that some UFO crewman
Hasn't taken him over, or some wicked fairy.
Is Ed evil, neurotic or simply contrary?
How can anyone's empathy be quite so lacking –
For the rest of us plus the poor guy he's attacking?

There's a time and a place for a person's opinions,
But this isn't the place and we aren't Ed's minions,
To be browbeaten, preached to, harangued and berated,
[Just because Mr. Colon's a tad constipated...
Or perhaps needs to be much more strongly sedated?
Plus his topics most often aren't even related
To recumbents or cycles of any description.
I suspect that the TROLL just enjoys a conniption.

Any sane person writes – by and large – for his readers,
But there's no one [except for a few bottom feeders]
Who can stand even seeing Ed's name in a heading,
Without flinching or feeling a strong sense of dreading.
Does Ed write as an outlet for social expression,
Or is he truly bent – on creating depression
In the soul of each cyclist who comes to this forum?
Does this TROLL simply lack any sense of decorum?

If in fact he's more wordy than evil or mental,
Let me say that I'd pay the small cost for a rental
Of a blog site where Ed could divulge all his ravings,
Though I doubt that most people would often get cravings
To check in on his latest by searching, or clicking
On a link marked Your Ass Needs a Virtual Kicking.
Would we miss him in this group's recumbent discussions?
I suspect that there'd only be good repercussions.

But I'm sure that the grouch won't accept my solution;
He'll continue to foster poor ARBR's pollution,
'Cause it seems that his aim and his true motivation
Is to maximize ev'ryone's sense of frustration.
It is possible, folks, that this TROLL is psychotic;
Why in HELL would a sane person make life chaotic
For a group of nice bikers and trikers, just sharing
Our love of the sport? Why is Ed so uncaring?

              *     *     *     *     *

If this poem seems mean, just a tad harsh or brutal,
I'd remind you that more tactful tacks have been futile
At discouraging Ed from fomenting dissension
In a newsgroup which lacks any means of suspension
Or expulsion; this TROLL will continue to pain us,
To perturb and to plague us with notes from his anus.
Like some fit-pitching two-year-old, he'll keep on TROLLIN'...
He's a BRAT at his best Up yourself, Mr. Colon!

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Last updated Jan 13 2007