The first round of TROLL FAQs posted at ARBR was so much fun that I couldn't resist indulging in a follow-up frolic. Herewith:

Q:Why are we posting more TROLL FAQs when the TROLL insists that he didn't read the initial list?
A:Well, the point of these webpages is not that the TROLL reads it, but that it entertains those who enjoy his humiliation. Anyway, he still managed seven replies to the original thread on ARBR even if he didn't read it, which has almost surely saved a few on-topic threads from his contamination. Plus, hey, given the TROLL's level of reading comprehension, what difference does it make if he looks it over or not?

Q:I do the questions, remember? You do the answers. But can we assume that one of the TROLL's apparent difficulties in reading was evidenced by him stating that the title of the thread [TROLL FAQs] was in all caps, despite that lower case s at the end?
A:Well, that's pretty typical of ol' super-reader, I guess. BTW, I'm on pretty intimate terms with the originator of that thread, and I think I should briefly point out that we consider TROLL to be an acronym – with way too many deliciously insulting alternatives to ever settle on only one. FAQ is of course a common computer abbreviation...

Q:In this case, short for 'fractiously accurate quips' or 'flaming an aging queen'?
A:The former, maybe; we'd never seriously accuse the TROLL of homosexuality; that would be grossly unfair...

Q:How so?
A:There are a lot of very nice gays and lesbians who really don't deserve that kind of association.

Q:I see, but don't you think the TROLL is surely some kind of sexual deviant?
A:Well, probably, but with a prostate that's very likely to be about the size and consistency of a rotten grapefruit, I'm taking bets that at this stage of his life, his particular brand of sexual deviancy is a lot more deviant than sexual.

Q:Such as... ?
A:Well, it's been said that none of his cats are neutered, because he likes to 'do things' with young kittens...

Q:YECCH! GROSS! What kind of perverted things could he do with baby kittens?
A:Well, we've all observed the TROLL's penchant for abusing relatively innocent first-time on-topic posters here at ARBR.

Q:But doesn't the TROLL repeatedly assure us that he never ever initiates an attack?
A:Yeah, right, and he also claims he's a great writer, moralist and a genuinely positive influence on the newsgroup. Please remember: a chunk of gristle may swear it's filet mignon, but even if your knife is sharp enough to cut it, it still ain't gonna be worth the time and trouble to try to chew.

Q:Yes, but still, what about his insistence that it's always only 'tit for tat' with him?
A:Classic 'Anna Nicole Smith Syndrome': way, way, way too much tit for a tiny tad of tat... [PERSONAL NOTE TO TOM SHERMAN: In this specific instance, links to supporting documentary photographs are not required.]

Q:Okay; but speaking of Mr. Sherman, what was your gut reaction when Perry peremptorily posted this provocative opinion about the TROLL:

Let's face it, he's more anal-retentive than Tom.

and then Tom, somewhat surprisingly perhaps, replied:

This is false...

A:I think I understand that. While the TROLL almost certainly suffers from periodic bouts of congenital constipation – quite possibly genetic – in fact he is quite unlikely to be classically 'anal retentive'. Otherwise, he'd be much less apt to be found quite so often using his head as a butt plug.

Q:I see... Anyway, how do you respond to this latest tactic of the intransigent TROLL – yet another transparently truthless accusation, which he has recently taken to bleating and repeating that another poster [Wayne, or JimmyMac, or whoever is this week's least favorite] is a stalker.
A:Hmm-mm-mm... I must be a little unclear about what stalking implies. It seems to me that while most of us certainly exercise some caution not to step in something unpleasant the TROLL has dumped while stomping his way through ARBR, no one is very likely to have ever felt any need to go looking for the TROLL, stealthily or otherwise. In fact, most of us think that even when we try our very best, he's pretty damned difficult to avoid.

Q:Well, I'd really like to end this update on a positive note. Haven't you seen any hint of improvement in the TROLL's postings lately?
A:Well, he seems to be catching on at last that 'snip and reply' is the proper way to post on Usenet. Now if only he could also figure out that it's really very, very stupid and pitiable to cross-post from ongoing threads at ARBR to other cycling newsgroups. In the first place, his replies don't stand alone very well. In the second, he comes across as a blathering idiot at best. And finally – surely! – there are enough people in the world who already pity, resent and/or despise him. Trust me – he truly doesn't need any more!

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Last updated Nov 14 2007